By: Diana Ting
(Note from the editor: This article, originally published at ProBusinessWriter.com, looks at common bad behavior when business owners write and send press releases to bloggers. And while it pains me to have to say this, I know if I don’t someone will bitch about it later. So in case there’s any confusion, do NOT follow the advice here. It’s a joke people.)
Here’s a cold hard fact: your press releases suck. Not only are they un-blog-worthy, which means they’re really huge pieces of sh*t (because bloggers are always on the lookout for topics to write about), they’re still sitting in bloggers’ inboxes unread.
Bloggers don’t know you exist. Therefore, your press releases don’t exist. Niceties are overlooked as ass-kissing and ignored. If bloggers wanted their egos stroked, they would still be a part of the corporate rat race and not sitting at home in their pajamas writing for a living. So how do you get the attention of these anti-establishment bloggers? Piss them off.
Pissing off bloggers with your press release is brilliant marketing. The traditional press release is boring, formal and out-of-date. And although bloggers love reading press releases, the sheer number of them that they receive assures that the most important ones—yours—will go unnoticed. Write a press release that ignites passion in bloggers and forces them to read and respond to you. Making bloggers remember your name is the key to having your newsworthy press releases read, written about and discussed.
Light a fire under bloggers’ asses with my guaranteed ways to piss of bloggers with your press release:
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Grammar and Editing:
- Turn spel chek off.
- Don’t bother editing.
- Forget grammar rules. don’t need ‘em. There optional and your sure to succeed without thems. Right sentencing structures and grammar using is overused, redundant, and done too much.
- Omit needless fluff like pronouns, articles, prepositions and conjunctions. State facts get point.
Formatting a Press Release:
- Turn on CAPS LOCK. WHEN YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS, YOU’RE “SCREAMING” AT THE BLOGGER. THIS GETS THEIR ATTENTION AND MAKES IT EASIER TO READ.
- Use a simple text-only program like Notepad.
Use word wrap to confine the words within a
small screen. Copy and paste your wrapped
content directly from Notepad to the email blast.
- WriTE iN MIxEd CaPs, MakINg eVerY lEtteR a diFfeRenT ColOR @nD include a lot of exc!amation points, w3ird $ymbol$ and funn4 ch@racters!!!!! Give bloggers something to edit.
- Use giant type and fun fonts like Comic Sans or Script.
Press Release Format and Length:
- Make your press release newsworthy. Bloggers care about what you care about. Anything and everything that excites you or is an accomplishment for you is a reason to send out a press release. From your first sale to every sale, to when you complete a service or ship out an order, to when you launch your 50th “get rich quick” website: everything is newsworthy.
- Press releases should be lengthy. If you can say it in one page, you can certainly say it better in five pages. According to PRWeb, lack of content is just one of the many reasons press releases never make it to the wires: “We reject about 10% of all press release submissions for lack of content. Oddly, authors are particularly guilty of short press releases.”
Don’t fall into the trap of short press releases. Stick to a five-page format and I guarantee it won’t be rejected for lack of content. There’s a wealth of information buried in there. Somewhere.
- Press releases should be written like long-form sales letters. Start with a juicy headline filled with hype words like “breakthrough” and “make $100,000 while you sleep!” Use the lead and body of the release to hype the product/event/service further. Just before you get to something newsworthy, stop writing. Just. Stop.
- Press releases should be friendly and cutesy. 🙂 Include smiley faces and abbreviations. Press releases that sound like they were written by uptight (ROFL) corporate public relations departments (J/K, J/K, J/K) are much too formal for today’s day and age. LOL. Communicate on a more personal level. <3
PS. Always end the press release with “XOXOXO!!!!! Write back!!!!!”
PPS. Using postscripts is always recommended.
PPS. I cannot emphasize this enough. Okie, KIT!!!!! 😉
- Use a lot of links and bold keywords and phrases. Links should:
- Open up a porn site known to create many pop-ups (pardon the pun).
- Be dead links that lead to nowhere.
- Be abundant enough to make your press release look like a link farm.
The Language of Press Releases:
- Use a lot of acronyms and abbreviations. If you really want to wow bloggers, use acronyms you make up. When trying to keep your press release down to the ideal five pages, UAMBSTSS (using acronyms makes better sense to save space). UASOAIEB (Using a series of acronyms is even better). ANDTL (And never decipher the letters).
- Give yourself credibility and make your company an authority on the subject by using a lot of industry-specific jargon such as “strategic capacity analysis,” “evaluative workflow procedures,” “systematic extrapolation techniques,” and “search engine optimization algorithm.”
Sending Out the Press Release:
- Post your press release in the “comments” section of every post on bloggers’ blogs. Paste as quickly as you can before you get banned from the site. Pasting your press release on every post assures it will get the attention it deserves.
- Send your press release at least three months in advance even though details are tentative. Follow up with bloggers every day leading up to the event as a reminder.
- If you’re not able to send out the press release months in advance, send it out the day of the event. If bloggers haven’t posted the information from your press release within an hour, relentlessly follow up with them via phone, email and blog comments.
- A picture is worth a thousand words. A few gigabytes of picture and video are worth a few thousand words. It’s preferable (but not necessary) that the videos relate to your press release. When sending gigabytes of media, no further explanation is necessary. You don’t have to write or explain anything. Bloggers are wordsmiths. They can write the press release.
- 7:01: It doesn’t get any more recent if you don’t continuously update it.
- 7:03: Press releases, like tweets, are meant to be relevant and include recent news.
- 7:04: After all, content is king.
- 7:08: Update your press release at least every five minutes with too much information.
- 7:12: Update your press release like it’s your Twitter account.
Follow Up—Spam and Stalk bloggers:
- Collect bloggers’ contact information, including email addresses, phone numbers, Twitter usernames, Skype Id’s and any/all other instant messaging handles. If bloggers didn’t want to be found, their blogs wouldn’t have all the contact information readily available. They want to be contacted. And often. By whatever means possible.
Bonus tip: Get all the contact information of bloggers’ friends, family, acquaintances and professional contacts. Blast your press release and updates to third parties who have access to the bloggers with the instructions to forward it.
Follow my tips and I guarantee bloggers will remember your name and be on the lookout for YOUR press release. Happy writing!
Write back!!!!! <3
PS. Check back next week for a post on how to make bloggers fall all over themselves in love with your pitch.
PPS. If you have more ideas on how to piss off bloggers, I’d love to hear them.
PPPS. Sound off below!